Breaking the Anxiety Cycle
When Helping Feels Right but Might Be Making Anxiety Worse
Imagine a child. I’ll call him Henry. Henry is nervous about his science test later today. He asks his parents to call him out of school because he doesn’t feel prepared and is worried he’s in a bad mental space and would bomb the test. What would you do?
The right answer might depend on your child, but most of the time, it is better to let your child face their fear, take the test, and not call them out. However, parents naturally want to protect their children from pain, stress, and fear. So when your child is anxious, it makes sense that you would want to step in. After all, what’s one more day if it allows him to feel better about taking the test?
This response is well-meaning and intended to help, but sometimes, when it comes to anxiety, the help parents provide can backfire. If we go back to Henry, what are the chances he spends the day studying? If he does study, will he actually feel more prepared the next day, or will he be even more anxious? Will he ask to stay home one more time? Then he’ll have the weekend to get into the right headspace, and surely that will help. Right? But does it? And what happens the next time Henry has a test?
This pattern is known as parental accommodation. Understanding it is key to helping your child build confidence and resilience.
What Is Parental Accommodation?
Parental accommodation means adjusting your own behavior to reduce your child’s anxiety in the moment.
Some examples:
Reassuring your child dozens of times when they’re worried
Sleeping next to them every night because they are afraid to sleep alone
Avoiding playdates or social events
Letting them skip school when they’re overwhelmed
Calling their teacher for them instead of encouraging self-advocacy
While this often works in the short term, over time it can send the message: “You can’t handle this without me.”
Why Accommodation Makes Anxiety Worse
Avoidance is the fuel that keeps anxiety going.
When a child avoids something scary—and a parent helps them avoid it—they don’t get the chance to learn that the situation is safe, or that they can survive feeling anxious.
In the long run, this can lead to:
Increased dependence on parents
Worsening fears
Less confidence in coping skills
You might feel like you're helping—but the child may never learn, “I can do hard things.”
How to Support Without Accommodating
Changing this dynamic doesn’t mean leaving your child to “tough it out” alone. In fact, it means walking alongside them with warmth and encouragement but without removing every challenge in their path.
Here’s how:
Validate feelings: “I know this is really hard for you.”
Encourage bravery: “I believe you can do it, even if it feels scary.”
Take small steps: Help them face fears gradually (this is called “exposure”).
Stay calm and confident: Your child watches how you respond to anxiety.
Hold loving boundaries: “You can be nervous and still go to school today. I’ll be here to talk after.”
Next Steps
If anxiety is getting in the way of school, sleep, friendships, or family life, your child may benefit from professional help. I work with children and their families using proven strategies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). Feel free to contact me at 216-245-2421 for a free 15 minute consult to see if therapy may be right for your child.